I watched the end of the world from the back of my pickup with Seether playing on the radio and a nice can of Crush sweating in my hand.
Okay, technically-speaking, I guess it wasn’t the actual end of the world since I’m still writing this, but it’s definitely where we blazed past the point of no return so I think I have the all-clear to say that. Anyways, I watched the light show for about forty minutes until I got bored and drove back to the cabin. It sounds like things are still popping off like crazy, but I’d rather wait for the end in comfort than sweating it out on that cliff.
Originally my plan for all of this was to just soak it in. I’d get in a good position and look Death in the eye as it came for me because, like a normal person, I thought it’d be instantaneous. But it hasn’t been, and now the internet and TV are both down so here I am, writing down my thoughts as they come to me. I dunno how long I’ll do it for; it’s not like this is going to be here after everything wraps up, but it’s keeping me occupied. Actually feels kinda cool too. Like I’m Sigourney Weaver at the end of Alien. And Aliens. And Alien 3, I guess.
Knew this was going to happen for a long time. I saw the signs. I saw what humanity was doing. I even called them out on it, but nobody listened. Not that it would’ve helped if they did; we’ve been locked into this trajectory for decades now, but they could’ve at least pulled their heads outta their asses and acknowledged the truth for once in their stupid lives. I guess I could give props to the people who tried to stop this and make things—actually, no. I will not give props to them. Because they were worse. Instead of just ignoring me, they made jokes about me in public whenever they had a chance. Props withdrawn. They do not deserve them.
Still going, obviously. Good thing I brought enough supplies here to make a last meal just in case things didn’t finish before dinner. Made a deep dish pepperoni pizza, cobb salad, some lobster rolls, mac and cheese, and puppy chow for dessert (WOW). Burned the pizza a bit, but I guess that’s fitting. Not sure what to do now. Maybe I’ll take a nap.
I have a theory. I think yesterday was just the start of the end of the world. It started here, in America, but like a level loading up in Doom, it has to build up around the globe before it can execute. So that’s what’s happening. We’re just loading up death, and it should be executing any second now.
I actually came up with that as I was driving into town this morning (didn’t think to pack more than a day’s worth of supplies, won’t make that mistake again HA). Grocery stores and gas stations were pretty empty, but I still managed to scrounge up a good haul. Should last a week. Almost ran into some destinauts when I was leaving too. Looked like they were trying to have a tea party with a corpse. Rubes.
Oh and I actually saw a guy working in the Burger King?! I went in and talked to him, and he acted like everything was normal. Said that what’s happening isn’t as bad as I think it is. It’s just a phase, and we’ll eventually move past it. What? I made sure to order my Chicken Fries before I explained to him why he was wrong, but he acted like he was used to that. There really is no convincing some people, huh.
Chicken Fries were still aces though.
I can feel it today. This is it. This is our last day on Earth. Things I will miss: peanut butter, The X-Files, the smell of coconuts, that first week of fall when you switch to a whole different set of clothes, driving through the countryside, rock climbing, shaggy dog stories, sex, capybaras, the 90s, thunderstorms, ADD MORE LATER the Duck Tales theme song, holding a watermelon, and Chicken Fries.
Things I will not miss: people who don’t use their turn signals, Carrot Top, online dating, heat waves, fascism, macaroni penguins, the 80s, pears, smoking, sneezing, standing up too quickly, pet birds, twitter, people who walk slowly, skeletons, Alex Pettyfer, ADD MORE LATER no that’s it.
All in all, I feel good about my time on Earth. I wish I had been born earlier so that I could’ve tried to stop this from happening, but that’s to be expected. It’s a beautiful world we had going on here. If only humanity as a whole wasn’t just the worst. Sorry, Earth. You deserved better.
See you in the funny pages.
WHY IN THE EVER-LOVIN’ BLUE-EYED FUCK HASN’T THE WORLD ENDED YET?!?
SERIOUSLY. That was a perfect way to end this journal w/ that last entry, everything looked like it was culminating in something big, there were goosebumps everywhere, BUT NOOOOOO. Nothing changed! Light show’s still going. People are still running around actin crazy. Destinaut’s are still dumbassing their way through town. It’s all still happening! And you want to know what the worst part is? The only thing that ACTUALLY changed since that last entry?
I ran out of Crush.
FUCK THE END OF THE WORLD
I realize that it sounds like I’m angry that I haven’t died yet.
I’m not.
That would be stupid.
Goddamnit, I have to go get groceries and supplies again now, don’t I. Of course I do. I bet my car will break down along the road and I’ll have to walk into town but then I’ll be overtaken by whatever it is I keep hearing scream in the woods at night and they’ll take my clothes so that I’m freezing by the time I get to the grocery store but wait the grocery store has exploded because WHY NOT NOTHING ELSE MAKES SENSE THESE DAYS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Trip went fine. Found everything I needed except for kleenex, but I can improvise that if I have to. Destinauts were having some kind of rally. At least, that’s what I think it was. There was a huge group of them chanting around a macbook pro and a copy of Infinite Jest. Couldn’t make out what they were saying, but whatever it was, they were stoked about it.
Didn’t see anyone in the Burger King this time. Don’t know how to feel about that one.
AN ECLIPSE HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR THE PAST FIVE HOURS AND IT’S STILL GOING! THE WORLD IS TOTALLY ENDING, BABY! AW HELL YEAH.
Okay, we’re still here, BUT the eclipse is still happening. I’ve been trying to track down a set of binoculars to see if maybe something’s going on w/ the moon, but there’s nothing in the cabin. Might have to go back to the hardware store in town.
Also I thinkkkkkkkkkkkk one of the horsemen of the apocalypse is nearby? I’m not 100% sure because, you know, I’ve never seen one before and I don’t know exactly what they should look like, but this guy’s riding a ten foot tall horse and he keeps screaming, “PESTILENCE” over and over so I dunno. Seems legit. Maybe I’ll try to talk to him sometime.
Got caught by destinauts while I was trying to find binoculars in town. Writing this down on scrap paper until I can transfer this into my journal when I get back. If I get back. No, when I get back. Think positive.
I swear to god though, if the world ends while I’m stuck with these idiots, I’m going to be pissed.
I have to get out of here. They keep trying to win me over to their cause by saying that they agree with me, that they believe the world is about to end, but they want to escape it by going into a whole other plane of reality, AND the way they want to do that is by dying (b/c death is just one of the planes, you see) b/c that allows—wait why am I writing this out.
I have to get out of here.
I’M FREE. I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT I’M FREE.
I just woke up in my cell this morning and saw that the door was unlocked, and when I went outside, there were no signs of the destinauts. At all. I’m not going to go into it more than that b/c thinking about it makes me feel weird, but WOO FREEDOM.
Also I just realized that we’re fifteen days into the world ending. Seriously, what the fuck.
Can’t stop thinking about how close I came to dying with those idiots. It’s insane. I can’t die like a normal person after everything that’s happened. Otherwise like, what have I been doing with my life? At least I got all the supplies I’ll ever need from their warehouse. And enough weapons to make sure nobody gets that close to putting me in the ground again.
Got drunk and took a couple of potshotsss at Pestilence tonight. I dont think I hit him. I prolly didn’t hit him. He screamed his name a bunch, but he does that all the time ANYWAY so yea. Whatever. Fuk that guy. Can’t even do his job right. Piece of shit.
Wait, I did WHAT last night??? I thought I fell asleep after playing crazy eights, but I just read that last entry and jesus. Okay, I’m putting it in writing: no more drinking from now on. Time to get serious. Clear eyes, full hearts all the way.
So.
I think I just killed a horseman of the apocalypse. I don’t know for sure b/c, like, can they die? Is that in the bible? It can’t be that easy. I just got so angry last night and couldn’t help drinking and I thought if I shot at him it’d make him realize that this is a serious situation and he’d finally do his job and—wait.
Did I just stop the end of the world from happening?
So Pestilence’s horse is still running around, and I can’t figure out if that’s good or bad. It’s been eating the grass around Lake Baum for the past three hours, which is bad(?), but it has lit several trees on fire while doing so, and that’s good(?). At the very least, things haven’t gone back to normal. But they haven’t gotten worse, either.
Okay, here’s how I know that I didn’t stop the apocalypse from happening: there’s still three other horsemen, the eclipse is still taking place, the sky is still red, the light show is still going on, the forest fires are still raging, all of the animals that aren’t horses of the apocalypse are still gone, humanity is still being awful, and I could keep going with this, but look that’s already enough!!! How could there be any possible way to come back from all that?!? There isn’t! Humanity sealed its fate long ago and there is NOTHING we can do to change that.
Burger King Guy is back.
Watched some hummingbirds fly around my window for five minutes today.
I’m not wrong.
Fuck it, I’m applying for a job at Burger King.